#incorrect exe quotes

[krysmcscience]

Did somebody say Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear? I think somebody said Bill shouldn't be allowed to swear. Thanks to that, have these retooled The Good Place jokes:

The "powers that be" can refer to either the Theraprism staff, the Axolotl, or just. Ya know. Disney in general. Or all three! Whichever you think is funniest. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

The "party" Bill's referring to is Weirdmageddon, of course. He was quite the ashhole to everyone back then.

Ford has probably gotten pretty good at the 'tune out your psychopathic ex with dank memes' challenge.

It must be very cathartic to be able to make Bill shut up whenever you want with just the press of a button. I'm sure Ford doesn't abuse this ability at all.

Oh, sure, 'Not now,' he says, before he immediately backs out of the newly-made hole in the Theraprism wall. 🙄

Don't worry, Bill doesn't get far.

also yeah i know this one doesn't have an attempted swear - i just wanted to use the joke because of the massive stink-eye involved in it because it makes me laugh

⬇️ More goofs beneath the brief ramble if you wanna skip it lmao⬇️

Why is Ford even there, you might ask? Well, he either decided he preferred to watch Bill suffer in person over being distantly and repeatedly harassed with the same evil desperation book for the rest of his life, or he got roped into some kind of contrived community service for 1.) all his many counts of interdimensional thievery, and 2.) his ignoring all the very clear warnings to NOT summon Bill in the first place (which I like to imagine is also illegal). Theraprism staff were just like, 'Wait, this guy matters to Bill? Ooh, we can USE that! It might be the only thing that can help him want to get better!' It is not considered that throwing Ford at Bill so soon after Weirdmageddon could instead make them both WORSE - in new and altogether special ways! :D

Anyway, I'm calling it the Community Service AU, and I am most likely not going to do anything else with it beyond appropriating these silly Good Place jokes. So, feel free to adopt the concept if y'all wanna??? Just make sure that Bill is still not allowed to swear, no matter what, full stop. It's gotta be a real linguistic corkblork of a situation for him, is all I'm sayin'.

Finally, have these bonus Good Place jokes, but with Handyman!Bill this time:

'Opposite tortures' doesn't sound so bad...at least until it's an all-powerful chaos entity known for torture saying it.

you may think i forgot mabel's cute pink cheeks but the truth is that i did in fact forget but then immediately stopped caring which makes it okay, SHHHHHHH

And, finally:

lmao this is shit

True facts, if you cram Season 1 Eleanor Shellstrop and Michael into a singular triangle shape, they turn into Bill Cipher. This is science, look it up. Or don't, and just trust the source that is me, bro.

Anyway, I should be in bed, y'all have fun with these, I guess. Tune in after like a week or so and maybe I'll have an addendum to my comic about how Bill was drawn naked for karaoke night. Because him actually being naked was not the only thing I considered as a plausible explanation. XD

Also if you see any inconsistencies or errors in any of these comics, No You Do Not :D

Also also, reblogs are rad as hell and I appreciate every single one, just don't repost, please and thanks. Every time a repost is made, an artist somewhere cries. :,)

[fantasticgothicpeachsludge]

Bernard: i lied. i don’t like sex. put your clothes back on babe and watch my power point presentation about What The Fuck Is Going On Between Batman And Twoface

Tim: …

[sleeplessdreamer14]

Bill: (trying to get Ford to take him back)

(Name): (picks Ford up like a sack of potatoes) Oops, got your man! Shoulda treated him right, now he with a real (redacted), he loves it over here!

Ford: Yeah, I love it over here!

(Name): You want him back? Too damn bad!

[noyzinerd]

[After the pack runs into one of Derek's ex's from his time in New York]

Stiles: Oh my god, that girl was gorgeous! I mean, did you guys see her?!

The pack:

Stiles: Why on Earth would Derek ever break up with someone so beautiful? What was he even thinking?!

The pack:

Stiles: I know if I ever landed someone like that, I'd probably never let them go.

The pack:

Stiles: Aw shoot, I gotta get going or I'm gonna be late. See you later guys!

The pack: The pack:

Malia: So, are we all still pretending Derek's ex-girlfriend didn't just look like Stiles in a wig?

[cod-dump]

*Shadow Company + KorTac team up*

Roze: No one wants to hear your opinion every second, old man

Graves: Don’t talk to me that way, young lady

Roze: Ugh, whatever DAD

Graves: *glares at König*

König: Wha- Why are you looking at me??

Graves: Do you not discipline your soldiers? She was not like this when she was a Shadow

König: Discipline- She’s not a child, Graves! Especially not MY child!

Roze: *gasps*

König: No no- You don’t get to be hurt by that!

Roze: *dramatic sob*

König: No-

Graves: Fuck it- I’m taking custody of her again

König: CUSTODY??

Hutch, watching from a distance: Wow… who needs a K-drama when this is our daily?

Horangi: This would make all the K-dramas weep

Hutch, nodding: Would put them out of business

[smolkooks]

incoming call... - kenji sato.

a/n: 2k words of one of my late night thoughts turned into a fluffy, exes to lovers fic. exes au, vet!y/n x kenji sato from ultraman: rising.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

“kenji?”

“y/n?”

you hadn’t expected to run into him here, and it seemed that he hadn’t either, from the way he was dressed. contrary to how you usually saw him on t.v. during his interviews, he was in shambles. kenji sato was dressed in a sweatset, stained with what smelled like...fish juice?...down the front. his eyes were dim, yet panicked—perhaps at seeing you, but you weren’t sure. was his hair...wet? what the fuck?

it had been more than eight years since you’d last seen him—at highschool graduation, when you’d moved to sydney for university, and he’d disappeared to the states. not that kenji sato could disappear, with how often you saw him on your t.v. screen.

“what...what are you doing here?” he stuttered, furrowing his annoyingly perfect brows. he looked exactly as you remembered, save for his current, unorganised state. just...older. better.

“well, i just got off work,” you said equally as awkwardly, gesturing at your scrubs, “um...just, heading home now.”

truth be told, this was an insanely random place to have run into him. ten minutes from your apartment block, with no shopping districts around or really any reason for him to be here at all. all that there was in your district was a river, which was nearby—so close you could still hear it from here.

“you walk?” he said incredulously, eyes fixated on your badge—dr. y/n, head veterinarian.

“uh, yeah,” you said, shifting a bit under his sharp gaze as his dark eyes shifted to meet yours. the same way he’d looked at you, all those years ago, that day. sad, but hopeful.

ken, we should...i mean, i think we should break up.

the words were as clear in your memory as day, and you forced yourself to swallow and block out those intruding thoughts.

“let me drive you,” he said quietly, after a beat, and as you opened your mouth to protest that you only lived ten minutes away, he said, “please.”

“kenji, you look really tired,” you said hesitantly, “you should head home and rest.”

“trust me,” he said with a sigh, “there’s no rest to be found in my home right now.”

you wondered what that meant. but he didn’t give you any time before he abruptly gestured down the street and wordlessly began walking you towards his car.

if you’d asked yourself twenty minutes ago, you wouldn’t have believed that you would be sitting in your highschool boyfriend’s 300-thousand-dollar porsche. and yet, here you were, buckled into the passenger seat, feeling more awkward than ever as you typed your address into his phone.

“i thought you were in sydney, to be honest,” he said, finally breaking the silence as he started the car, sweeping his hair back with his other hand.

“i moved back a year ago,” you explained as you propped his phone up on the stand he had for it, pressing start on the google maps directions, “worked in sydney for three years after grad, then got a job offer to be promoted to head vet back here in japan. couldn’t pass it up. besides, my mum’s here and i wanted to be with her.”

“you don’t live with her, though?” he said. of course, he’d noticed that your address had changed. he had spent more hours at your house than he’d probably spent at school in all six years of secondary school combined.

“yeah, i wanted my own place,” you said with a soft laugh, “i’ve got a few pets. they would drive her mad, with how loud they are.”

kenji huffed, “kids can be so damn loud.”

that caught you off guard, and you turned to him, shocked, and if not a little embarrassed. of course, kenji already had kids! he was a young, extremely wealthy man who of course would’ve married by now. you’d done well for yourself, but you knew you couldn’t compare to kenji sato.

“kids?” you couldn’t help yourself, the sharp question slipping out before you could process and revealing your surprise.

“uh—it’s complicated,” he said quickly, “wait, that sounds wrong—not that it’s complicated, just—well, she’s not really my kid—,”

“so you’re a stepdad,” you asked, confused.

“not really,” he replied, one hand running through his hair again, messing it up more, “she’s my pet, i guess. pet...lizard.”

your eyes lit up, “oh my god, i love lizards. i wish i could have one, too—maybe a gecko? but i have too many cats right now.”

“i wish i had a cat, instead,” kenji rolled his eyes, “she’s so whiney.” but there was affection tucked in his voice, and you picked up on it even without having to see his half-smile in the mirror.

“i’ll have to visit, then, to see your lizard.”

“and you, your cats,” he shot back as he parked by the curb, “you weren’t lying when you said you lived close by.”

you laughed, “why would i lie?”

he shrugged in response.

“get back safe,” you said, as you stepped out and reached to shut the door, “thank you for the ride. it was really nice to catch up.”

“yeah—well, you too,” he said, biting his lip as he seemed like he wanted to ask something else—you knew that look on his face better than anyone.

“what? spit it out,” you said jokingly, narrowing your eyes.

“oh...” he chuckled nervously, “um, can i have your number? yknow, your new one.”

you were caught off guard by him, yet again. “sure. it’s the same as it was. has yours changed?”

“yeah, actually...gotta change mine a lot, these days,” he looked really embarrassed by that, “what with the baseball stuff. i’ll call you. we need to catch up properly.”

i missed you. his eyes seemed to say, and something in your stomach fluttered at his earnest expression.

“we do,” you replied, before shutting the door, “see you, kenji.”

he waited until you’d headed upstairs before he drove off.

***

incoming call...unknown caller id.

“what the...?” you rubbed your eyes as your vibrating phone woke you up from your afternoon nap. you’d taken a fond liking to naps these days, after taking on so many emergency late night shifts at the clinic.

groggily, you picked up the phone and immediately was met with the sound of heavy breathing, which creeped you out, truth be told, and just as you were reaching to hang up on the creep, a familiar voice rasped out, “y/n, help me.”

“what the fuck? kenji?” you shot upright, panicked at his desperate tone, “what’s wrong?”

“are you free, right...now?”

“uh, well—i guess? i just got back from work, so...”

“sorry,” he said quickly, “to bother you. i’m just having trouble with my...lizard...and i didn’t know who else to ask. i can pay you—as much as you want—or—,”

“no, kenji, it’s fine,” you cut him off smoothly, “don’t be ridiculous. where are you? i did say i wanted to meet your lizard, anyway.”

***

you should’ve expected that kenji sato would live in a district as boujee as this. the buildings seemed to rise higher than your eyes could see, going all the way up into the clouds that shrouded the twilight sky. the cars here were all black and silver, with tinted, dark windows. it felt like a different world to your neighbourhood, and yours was already the nicer of the bunch.

“kenji, i think i’m here, but i don’t know how to get up,” you said into your phone, confused by all the security mechanisms and fancy technology that surrounded the large glass door before you. plus, your hands were pretty occupied—your phone squished between your cheek and shoulder, one hand holding your first aid kit—reptile-specialised—and the other your coat and bag of other equipment that you felt like you might need, if his lizard was in such bad condition that he’d called you up out of nowhere.

“give me a sec, i’m coming.”

as promised, the very man appeared moments later, looking just slightly more put together than the last time you’d seen him. at least this time, his hair was dry.

“thanks for coming,” he said hastily as he let you in, leading you to the set of elevators that awaited you, “i...i didn’t know who else to call. i really don’t know that many people here i’d want to talk to, and i’ve been really lonely lately, it’s kinda...sorry, i’m ranting, but i’m going through it and...anyway, i’m glad to see you.”

you found his ranting kind of endearing. you knew it was something he only did when he was really nervous—just like he’d always done, even when you two were just kids—and it made you feel young again, talking to him. like you were talking to your very first crush.

well, you supposed in a way, you were.

in the elevator, he was largely silent, although you could sense his stress—as if he had something to tell you but was too scared, his leg bouncing and fidgeting nonstop with the bottom of his shirt.

finally, as he went to swing open his apartment door opened, he blurted out, “don’t freak out.”

when you looked inside, you understood why.

and it was too late, because you were already freaking out. you dropped all your supplies in your shock, eyes widening and feet stumbling backwards.

“kenji, what—what is that—,”

there was a gigantic lizard before you. a gigantic one, and when you said gigantic, you meant it. it was at least...ten times bigger than you, and you’d never seen anything like that, before.

“um...emi...she’s a kaiju,” he said sheepishly, wringing his hands.

“what the—,”

“a baby!” he said quickly, “and i raised her, so she’s just a little cutie. but...you know, she’s growing up and i think she’s going through puberty or something. i don’t know! she’s just really struggling emotionally these days and i can’t figure it out. i’m her dad and i can’t figure it out and i’m not home often enough to look after her twenty-four-seven. please give me a chance. i’ll pay you—i’ll do whatever.”

“uh, kenji,” you said cautiously, leaning down to pick your stuff up, “you know that i know nothing about kaiju, right?” he leant down beside you to help you, cheeks tinted pink.

“it’s okay, can you try?”

“i can try, i guess,” you said dubiously, but you had to admit that you were at least curious. you’d never been this close to a kaiju before, and if anything, they were still animals of some sort. you wanted to see. you wanted to learn.

you didn’t really hear kenji’s blurted out thanks as you carefully crept closer to the sleeping pink creature, knocked out completely, curled up on her side. pulling out a stethoscope, you started to gently listen to her heartbeat from her wrist—the closest part of her you felt safe enough to touch, and she stirred, but didn’t wake.

it sounded normal—you guessed. for a creature as big as her, you supposed her heart rate would be really slow. especially when sleeping.

you did all your checks without her really waking, and that was ideal—you’d prefer she didn’t. as much as kenji reassured you that she was harmless, you were dubious that a creature this big wouldn’t hurt you.

“kenji,” you said, after you were done, unpacking some of your medications, “she’s growing up. she’s hitting prepubescence, you’re right. but also, she’s sick.”

“w-what do you mean? she’s—,”

“she has a cold,” you explained, and his panic deflated slightly as you gave him the largest bottle you had in your supplies, “you can give these to her. this’ll only last her today, so you’ll have to buy a shit ton of this medication, but i’ll give you a prescription and the phone of my supplier so you can get it fast. she should be okay in a week or so. but then again, she’s a kaiju, so it may take longer, depending.”

when you looked up, kenji was looking at you deeply, so earnestly and so gratefully, the bottle of pills set on the kitchen bench beside the two of you. you were closer to him than you’d been for years—even closer than that day on the car. suddenly, you were hyper aware of the way you swallowed as you met his gaze, your heart rate quickening.

“thank you, y/n,” he said quietly, “i...” he didn’t come closer, but he glanced down at his own hands before looking back up, “i really missed you, you know.”

“i missed you too, kenji,” you breathed, in disbelief a bit at the way you felt—just like you used to feel whenever he looked at you. you hoped he couldn’t hear how quick and heavily your heart was pounding ink your chest.

he broke out into a warm smile, “i’m really glad i ran into you, that night.”

***

incoming call...kenji sato.

you couldn’t help the smile that broke across your face as you reached for your buzzing phone.

“hello?”

[luxthestrange]

OP Incorrect quotes#47 Nasty sack-

In the Cross Guild's Homebase...

EX-Secretary!Y/n*Gasps for air as sack overhead is taken off and adjusts to the new lighting as hands and legs are roped to the chair*

Crocodile: Mx L/n, we meet again

EX-Secretary!Y/n*Huffs seeing him and raises brow*How many times have I told you to take the kidnapping sacks to thefucking drycleaners- Would it kill you to wash the bag?

Crocodile:...

Buggy: You can scream all you wish, Baby I’m afraid no one can hear you!

You just look at him coldly

Buggy: Why…uh, why aren't they screaming?

Alvida*Besides you*Mx L/n, if you don’t mind?~

EX-Secretary!Y/n*Looks at her with a slight smile*You know I kinda miss your freckles they were ...your best feature before you joined this loser boy-boy band

Alvida*Blinks and covers her cheeks*O-Oh my...

Crocodile*Eye twitches seeing you made...a possible new rival for him*...

Buggy: Like this…aaahhhh!

Buggy*Didnt notice he accidentally stepped on Richie's tail*But that’s…that’s a poor lady scream-

Richie suddenly bites his hand and he screams in pain

EX-Secretary!Y/n*sarcastically rolls as buggy cries in pain* That’s a little better~

EX-Secretary!Y/n*Looks around at the base and raises brow* -Is there some kind of nerdy supervillain website where you get Second hand used clown stuff and blinky dials?

Galdino: Actually, most of it comes from an auction for old carnivals in-

Buggy: Don’t answer that.

Galdino*Whispers* Dressrosa

Buggy: Don’t! Stop! They're using their nosy secretary skills on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets-

Crew*gasps in shock seeing you*

Mihawk: Such tricks… won’t work on me…

EX-Secretary!Y/n*Raises brow at him and with a sultry mocking whisper*  Please talk slower~

Mihawk*Leans to pear into you eyes with the same sultry whisper* …Charmer

Crocodile:...

Part 5 of:

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Angel Dust: "Have I ever said you're like the sister I never had, toots?"

Vaggie: "You did have a sister, Angel Dust."

Angel Dust: "Yeah, but she was a nice one."

Vaggie: "Cry me a river and get your ass off the countertop before I tragically lose the only brother figure I've ever had."

Angel Dust: "Awww! Didn' know I meant so to much ya~"

Vaggie: "You don't. But if kill you, Husk will never speak to me again."

Angel Dust: "...."

Angel Dust: "...oh that one was gooood."

Vaggie: (smirking) (shoving him) "OFF."

-exiled in the doorway-

Charlie: (pouting) "I don't get it."

Husk: "What?"

Charlie: "This! Their whole, not friends friends thing? It's like they LIKE being mean to each other!"

Husk: "You an only child, yeah?"

Charlie: "Yes??"

Husk: "It's a sibling thing. Don't fucking worry about it."

Niffty: (from a ceiling vent) (voice echoing ominously) "I'd LOoooVE to be your ssssibling, Charlieeeee....."

Charlie: "GAH!!"

Husk: "Worry about that."

[mylifeisfruk4ever]

Bruce: Your relationship with Dick didn't end well. What makes you think I'll approve of your relationship with Jason? Roy: Do you know that, if I marry Jason, Lian automatically becomes your granddaughter right? Bruce: ... Bruce: So when's the wedding? Do you have a ring yet?

[fabuloustrash05]

Angel Dust: You're handsome and you're smart and you're ignoring me, so you're obviously my type~

Husk: I'm sorry, what were you saying?

Angel Dust: Perfect…

[romanoffshouse]

Tony: Your giving Natasha a key to your apartment?

Y/N: That's right, I gave her the key to my heart and now I'm giving her the key to my ap-heart-ment.

Tony:

Y/N: [smiles]

[incorrect-bridgerton-family]

Eloise: What is wrong with you?

Penelope: Off the top of my head, I’d say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression.

[goldenamaranthe-blog]

Extermination Take 2: Chaggie ft. Lute

Lute: (swinging sword wildly at Charlie) Why! Won't! You! Just! Die! You! Bitch!

Charlie: (shield up and blocking easily) WHO do YOU think you're calling a bitch, you cunt!?

Lute: This Cunt happens to know what it's like to feel that traitor girlfriend bitch of your's nether lips feel like against hers! How does it feel getting sloppy seconds?

Vaggie: (mortified and pissed off beyond all belief) Charlie! Don't listen to her! It only happened once after she got me plasterd post Extermination one year! It didn't mean anythi-

Demon Charlie: (grabs Lute by the throat and starts using her body as a rag to wipe down every single surface of the Prostitution District) I'M SORRY!!! I DIDN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF STREET CUM GURGLING DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!!

Vaggie: (blushing shocked Pikachu face)

Angel: Holy Fuck, babe! Your girl is going all out!

Vaggie: Yeah, she is. GET THAT BITCH, BABE!!!

Demon Charlie: Honestly, I'm not surprised she never mentioned having sex with you. She's so busy screaming MY name she probably forgot all about it!

[incorrectjaydick]

Dick: Oh! Why don't we do truth or dare? Jason: Hm, actually not a horrible idea. Could I go first? Dick: Wait.. you actually wanna play? Jason: I mean, why not? Alright, Dick, truth or dare? Dick: Uh.. I'll take truth! Jason: Perfect! How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Dick: …. What? Jason: You heard me. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Dick: Uhm…. could I change it to dare? Jason: Sure. Dare: GO TO SLEEP! Dick: I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME! Jason: DID YOU EVEN EAT TODAY!? Dick: ……… Jason: I'M GONNA FORCE-FEED YOU 'TIL YOU FUCKING THROW UP Dick: I'M SORRY

[azapofinspiration]

Dazai, Post-Meursault

Dazai: Hey, wanna hear a joke? Here goes!

Dazai: My ex-partner still misses me…

Dazai: But his aim is getting better!

Sigma, unconscious: …

Dazai: His aim is getting better!

Nikolai, clutching Fyodor’s arm: …

Dazai: Y’see, it’s funny cuz —

Chuuya: I should’ve actually killed you.

[cod-dump]

Soap: Hey, gorgeous-

Mace, turns around: What?

Soap: What- WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??

Mace: … Mace?

Soap: WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SKULL MASK?! THAT’S NOT FUCKING ALLOWED

Mace: Why the fuck wouldn’t it be allowed??

Soap: ONLY GHOST IS ALLOWED TO DO THAT

Mace: Me, too, fuckhead. It’s our thing

Soap: WHAT??

(Later)

Ghost: *humming as he stitches up a tear on a hoodie*

Soap, running into the room: SINCE THE FUCK WHEN DO YOU HAVE ‘A THING’ WITH ANYONE?? I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL

Ghost: