#selina kyle headcanons

[devilfic]

I was wondering if you have any hcs for a jealous Selina Kyle? Thank you!

(gn reader please)

❝jealous!selina kyle❞

pairing: zoe kravitz!selina kyle x gn!reader. cw: best friends to lovers, roommates to lovers, jealousy, possessive selina, she's a little toxica but she's too pretty to be mad at about it, author's taste in women is showing, knives, brief mention of childhood bullying. words: 2.6k.

my god, do I ever

first of all, selina wants you to know that she is NOT the jealous type. how could she be? it wouldn't be... befitting of a woman who likes to stretch her legs and coil her tail ‘round whoever she pleases, whenever she pleases

as an orphan who has owned so little, she has evolved past jealousy, past watching the pretty girls with the happy families buy them everything they want

when she wants something, she takes it. and when it's hers? it's hers

so what's there to be jealous of? she gets everything she wants. and if someone tries to take her things... well. god forbid

you knew this, growing up with selina in the system. she had been in plenty of fights with the sniveling little boys who'd pull her hair and steal what little she could get her hands on

but what little she did have, she shared with you

you always felt a sense of pride at being the exception for selina, the only one she'd let get close

you were practically a part of her, joined at the hip everywhere you went. you didn't need to ask for she'd give you everything if she could

as you both got older, selina got faster

when those same sniveling boys would try to take her things, they'd wake up with pin needles in their boots or bleach in their soap bottles

they'd stopped messing with her pretty quick, but it also put selina in the hot seat with the wardens at the orphanage

by 13, selina was on the streets. she'd threatened you not to follow, told you she'd make a real life for herself, and it took all there was in you not to beg her to stay

but she'd sneak through the gates to see you in the courtyard, hiding and giggling in the tree branches together until the sun set

she'd walk you home from school and you'd share your leftover lunch with her (because it wasn't "worrying" about her if you ate too, it was just two friends shoveling cookies in each other's mouths and laughing all the way home)

by 16, selina was working at bars and nightclubs with fake IDs that promised she was 21

you told her how grown she looked in all that makeup and how she reminded you of those supermodels with their sultry bedroom eyes

and when all was quiet, she would sneak in through your dorm window and climb into bed with you, eyes still caked in glitter and lips still glossy red

and you couldn't help but get a little shy when she would kiss your cheek goodbye before sneaking out at sunrise

by 18, she had secured the keys to her first ever shitty apartment, and hadn't let you spend a day out in the real world before asking you to move in with her

and ever since, you have been selina kyle's one and only roommate

if you didn't count the cats

selina never really made it out of the club scene. she'd bounced from bar to bar and eventually landed at the iceberg lounge, her best-paying gig yet

but it also left you coming home right as she was leaving, only ever having the time to hug each other goodbye before you were forced to eat dinner alone

you'd always hoped that with you helping out on rent, selina could finally get a better job. somewhere sleazy dropheads weren't constantly trying to cop a feel

but she had her reasons, and she promised she’d never bring any of it back home to you

the extent of her nightlife, as far as she let you know, was her one little secret. you knew the lounge was teeming with unseemly types, and whatever happened behind closed doors wasn't exactly legal

and the other stuff—the things she did that covered the other half of her rent?—the less you knew, the better

what she did share were the dates

and selina dated. of COURSE she dated. she’d sometimes come home at 4 in the morning and you’d wake up, a light sleeper when she wasn't around, and she’d kick off her heels and slither into bed behind you and reprimand you for asking about her date when you’ve got to be up for work in 2 hours. but she’d tell you anyway, spinning hilarious webs about the strange people she let spend their dime on her

and you’d nod off in her arms as she sung you dreams of lobster takeout she made her date buy you in the fridge, promising to make you coffee before you headed off to work in the morning

and if you were to ask her the next day about her date, she’d blink and ask, “who?”

it really wasn’t a surprise to you how desired selina was

even in the orphanage, she'd been popular. you yourself had been entranced by her plenty of times before, and selina would tell you a million times how many street rats she'd had to turn down over the years because they got a little too attached

if you asked her if she’d ever commit to anyone tho, she'd just smile, “we both know you're the only one who can pin me down”

you didn't want to admit how often you'd imagined doing just that. and other things

you, on the other hand, have been in a constant struggle to hold down a real relationship

most of your prospective dates were kind, maybe a little awkward

but they also never went anywhere

you blamed it on the nature of gotham, a loveless city that made it hard to hold onto something sweet when the next minute was rarely guaranteed

you never came home from your dates with lobster or funny stories, just snuggling into selina’s open arms and swearing you didn't want to talk about it

you’d asked selina once, a little drunk on sadness, if you’d ever find someone to love you

and she’d taken your chin into her hand, forcing you to look her in the eyes, and told you very seriously, “I love you, and none of these bozos know what they’re missing out on.”

and then, quietly, when you had tucked your head back into her chest to hide the way her words had turned you to jelly, added on, “but I can’t say I hate having you all to myself.”

you hadn’t known then, but she really meant that

selina would continue to go on dates and bring you back gifts—things that were intended for her but she always insisted you have. it had weirded you out wearing the pretty bracelets and rings and more that her one-and-done dates would buy her, even more so when she would insist on you wearing them to work or on nights out on the town

but she always got this proud look in her eye when you would show off her gifts

borderline... hungry, even

god forbid if it was a piece of clothing, some piece she'd bought for you on a poor sap's black card during a shopping spree

she’d drape herself against the couch and command you to walk for her in your little living room, her hand brushing your thigh or waist as you pass her by, her eyes glinting as she would order you to twirl or pose or stand utterly still as her fingers drag up your silhouette to examine… something

or she’d come up behind you while you were washing dishes, her fingers plucking one of the rings she'd given you off the kitchen sink and admiring the little soap suds bubbling on the gem, murmuring something about how she should really get on top of dishes more often

or how she’d kiss your ear after climbing into your shared bed for the night, resting her hand on your hip where her fingers would just brush the waistband of your underwear

honestly, it was really hard to remember she wasn’t your girlfriend sometimes

after one too many internal what-are-we’s, you’d vowed to secure yourself an actual partner

and funnily enough, that was all it took

this date was smart, funny, a good listener, and definitely hadn’t killed anyone before

one uncertain date turned into two shaky dates turned into three hopeful dates turned into a month of steady dating

you could see the surprise in selina’s eye whenever you'd tell her that yes, you were going out again and yes, it was still the same person

but then she’d always wish you good luck, promise to break their knees if they broke your heart, and stand alone as you bolted off to see your new not-quite-something-just-yet

morning chats over coffee about the neighbors or the strays selina let wander in through the fire escape turned into "they're just so sweet" and "I really want you to meet them, selina" and "don't you have work in twenty?"

of course she'd grin and bear it when you talked about them. of course she'd pretend it didn't bother her, even if the cats would scamper away from her caress at the mention of your new... thing

you: and they’re really outdoorsy, they promised to take me on a picnic upstate whenever we got time off from work

selina: I bet you’d love that :) too bad your allergies are so sensitive :)) maybe I should take you on a rooftop picnic one day instead :)))

you're always going on and on about how she should meet them, but she never commits to a solid date

but she does want to know everything about them. not their interests or aspirations, but the things that even you wouldn't know

and although she’d never tell you this and you’d never find out, sometimes when you leave for those dates, she breaks into their place

it started out as a necessary precaution, something she told herself she had to do to protect you

there were sick people out there. selina knew that best

but god, if you found out, she wouldn't hear the end of it

it's that little part of her that she keeps secret from you. for your own good

and this too, snooping around your date's bedroom, was for your own good

checking their passport against a list of gcpd's most wanted was for your own good

staying up for you with her hand flicking their butterfly knife back and forth as you tumble through the front door, giggling and- she realizes then that you're not alone. they're here too

the two of you freeze in the front door where selina watches from the couch

"shoot, selina. I thought you had work tonight?"

she eyes you and your meek expression, then the equally bashful look on your date's face. she adores shy on you, adores it even more when she's the reason why, but them... "got off early. hope I'm not... interrupting"

but selina panics through all her bravado, imagines what would have happened had she not been here. would your date have coaxed you to the bedroom—your bedroom—and laid you down, kissed your neck where selina kissed you when she was feeling playful?

or would they have let you straddle them on the couch where selina sits now, windows wide open because they were just so smug that they were taking you from her so easily-

she clears her throat, shoves that thought away lest it get the better of her, and smiles

you look nervously between your date and selina, then very gently tell them that you'd probably have to rain check the rest of the night. you even insinuate to try their place next time, and selina imagines them kissing you on their sticky futon and... oh god, she's gonna lose it if she isn't careful

your date smiles and nods, shrinks back a little when selina rises abruptly to follow them out, and that's when your date notices the knife in her hand still being flicked between her fingers to the rhythm of her pounding heart

"oh, cool. I have a butterfly knife too! you're pretty handy with that." your date praises, sounding a little... shocked

selina smiles tighter, "yeah? you do?"

your date laughs nervously, "almost exactly the same, actually. I-I got it in college. I'm not as skilled as you, though. that one actually looks a lot like the one I have back at my place. that's such a... funny coincidence."

and it's really too much, but when selina thinks back on this moment, she will never truly forget the look in their eyes when she stabs the blade into the door frame right beside their head

if they weren't a little scared of her before, they were now

selina leans in and lets her hand drop from the hilt, "yeah, funny."

your date doesn't look at the knife, or selina, before wishing you a goodnight and bolting down the hallway

"selina, what the hell was that?"

"nothing! nothing. I was just... playing around. I didn't think they'd piss themselves."

you narrow your eyes at her, "you expect me to believe you didn't know what you were doing?"

"well, if they scare that easily, I'd rather them not be around you anyway"

"selina."

"I mean, come on, pet. I've looked after you since we were kids and you expect me to let just anybody come take you away from me?"

"...selina."

"and I don't care if you've found someone—I couldn't care less, really—but at the very least pick someone with some teeth-"

in her pacing, you catch selina by the wrist and cage her against the kitchen countertop just to force her to look at you, your voice dropping to whisper her name, "selina?"

and she just. cracks

her eyes are wet with frustration and she doesn't want you to see, doesn't want you to see her laid bare so suddenly because she'd always thought.... well, she'd always imagined that this would go a little smoother

dinner over candlelight, rented out restaurant just for the two of you, wine and feeding you expensive sweets and every ruby and emerald and pearl she'd ever bought adorning you. making you shine in her fantasies like a bright light blotting out that nasty little speedbump of a wimp you called your date-

she pushes her lips against yours to stop the spiral, and because you look so pretty that it hurts to look at you for too long and not kiss you

it's quick. a peck, really

she does it to quell the raging storm of desperation in her but when she pulls away and your lip is wet from her kiss, the desperation swells all over again

you look like you're trying to process all those years of friendship, "playful" kisses, touches that you weren't supposed to think twice about

"you... but you... all those dates..."

selina shakes her head, and somehow admitting who she's been every night since she was 13 is a lot less scary compared to her heart bursting in her chest, "did you really think... all those gifts were for me?"

everything did always fit just a little too perfectly on you

you melt into her, dropping your head on her shoulder with the weight of the truth and you feel her laugh and hold you close by the waist

you press your burning face into the crook of her neck, "I never thought... I mean, I'd always kind of hoped that you... that you might feel the same. I'd just assumed I wasn't your type."

you feel her nails glide up your spine, dragging up your neck and causing you to full-body shiver, "baby, you are the type"

"so, the dates weren't real?"

"a few were. not all of them"

"how'd you afford all that stuff, then? penguin can't pay that well"

selina's nails pause in their caressing of your neck

you peel back some, waiting for her reply

gently cupping your throat, selina smiles innocently, "you're into leather, right?"

taglist: @yikes-buddy @alexxavicry @theclassicvinyldragon @marina-and-the-memes @angxlictexrs

[witchthewriter]

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐊𝐲𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞 ✦

↳ gender neutral reader, requests are open

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ

・Treating you like absolute royalty; and expects everyone to do the same. 

・You would know her alias, and have no issue with it. I can definitely see Selina Kyle’s s/o not caring about crime, just as long as innocents don’t get hurt. 

・You don’t like Bruce Wayne, and hate whenever he gets close to Selina - even if he doesn’t know it’s her. 

・You get along well with Ivy, but Harley can push your buttons. It isn’t until you guys all get drunk together that you realise she’s so. much. fun. And you just needed to let your hair down

・Selina likes to spoil you; jewelry, clothes, shoes, etc., always wants the best for her sweetheart. 

・Yes, she is a cat lover. Yes, you do take in/look after strays. You like to name every single one - and it’s actually really cute. Maybe you’re a vet, or just a regular ol’ animal lover. 

・She makes sure you’re protected, and a lot of the time you don’t even realise. Like maybe she cuts a deal with some gangsters to make sure no one touches you. 

・I think it would be fun if you got into the life of crime with her, and became gangsters. I can definitely see you and her taking over Gotham. It would be a hella fun concept - 

・ It took a while for her to open up to you - or even the possibility of dating you. She isn’t one for committment. You would know each other for years, as aquaintances? As friends? And you always thought she was absolutely stunning. A goddess among humans. 

・ She didn’t think of you ... at all, to be honest. Unless she needed your help. 

・ It wasn’t until you actually saved her in some sort of near accident that she thought of you. 

・ “That was a close one, Kyle,” you mumbled, still covering her body with yours. 

     “I guess I should say thanks,” she purred; a glint in her eye. 

“That would be the proper thing to do,” you replied, the corners of your lips slowly quirking upwards. 

・ You do want to impress her, but you really don’t need to. Your mere existence brings light into her life. 

[incorrectbatfam]

How small must the world be for both Bruce and Tim to witness John and Mary Grayson's deaths

Or for 10-year-old Duke to crack the Riddler's puzzle before Batman swoops in and saves the day, long before his powers came into play

Or for Sheila Haywood to leave her son only to end up assisting his killer a decade and a half later

Not to mention the popular fanon concept of Jason knowing baby Damian in the League of Assassins

Now imagine how many other invisible strings could've tied them together

Like what if Tim and Jason went to the same school when Jason was Robin but all they shared was the occasional bump and "excuse me" in the busy halls

Or what if Babs was a tutor and helped an elementary-aged Steph finally understand her homework only for the Browns to cancel after a couple sessions because they couldn't afford it

What if the first person to buy Cass a hot meal was Kate on one of her travels

What if Alfred witnessed young Selina shoplifting groceries but chose to turn a blind eye

What if Jason lived on the same streets as the Row siblings and gave little Harper tips on how to use tools and defend her brother

What if Steph and Duke shared the same school bus, only he sat in the front while she was toward the back

What if the first person to teach Tim how to tie his shoes was Bruce at a gala because Jack and Janet were busy talking to someone important

What if Bette did a DNA test for fun and found a connection in Nanda Parbat but just assumed the results was faulty because she knew her whole family, right?

What if 8-year-old Dick, the day before his parents died, stayed at a cheap hotel near Crime Alley and found 4-year-old Jason wandering alone and said, "I'll be your big brother for tonight"

What if the universe knew they were made for each other and wouldn't rest until they realized it too

[vodrae]

Asexual Jason Todd is actually the secret weapon of Batman.

Let me explain.

Every major female foes of the Bat used their sex appeal at one moment to distract the police, Arkham guards...

But, imagine Ivy increasing again and again and again the power of her pollen and Red Hood does not react. Maybe sneezing.

Circea trying to play whith his mind and

"Wtf are you doing ? Stop moving your hands like that."

Every teen heros getting caught lurking on Kori or Power Girl and he doesn't understand why those idiots can't start the meeting. Wtf does "My eyes are here" even mean.

Evil foreigner billionaire sending a spy to seduce the oldest boy in the family still in Gotham to steal informations on WayneTech and after a party of dancing and talking, with innuendos bigger than his arms, the dude takes back the girl in his plaza room to be sure she's safe and fall asleep on the floor.

Meanwhile the spy doesn't know if she lost her talents of if Jason has a really strong mind.

If Jason was Batman from the start, first encounter with catwoman, take 1 :

"What arrre you going to do, arrrest me ?

- Yes.

- Wait, what ?"

Jason going to college and always being invited to girls night when they're going to bars or nightclubs because they have a 6'6 werewolf with them to dissuaded the other guys and they feel secure because they can't recall one time he tried something that made them uncomfortable, or just something in fact.

Never hit on a girl, loves litterature, takes great care of his body...Jason Todd is the only gothamite unaware he's a gay icone.

[jasmines-library]

omg, I've been thinking a lot about Selina Kyle's apprentice/daughter who is super badass and maybe one of the batboys/girls has a crush on her since she's always around with Selina (but not as involved with the batfam as Selina) and I think this is so cute/funny, what do you think about it???

I hope headcanons are ok!

DC MASTERLIST

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

* it was a rare occasion for them to actually see you.

* Sure, Selina and Bruce saw eachother fairly often, but that doesn’t mean that they’ll see you with her.

* And that wasn’t always because you weren’t there. Most of the time you were. You were just sly. As quiet as a mouse and as quick as a cat.

* Often you were there even if they didn’t want you to be.

* It was part of the reason they adored you so much.

* They often admired you from afar. You knew they did.

* Whenever you were around with Selina, they would pester hang out with you, trying to gauge all of your secrets.

* Dick and Jason like to try and sneak up on you. It never worked of course, but they liked to try.

* If they weren’t doing that then they were trying to get you to teach them everything you knew.

* And though they would rather die than admit it; each of them had harboured a crush on you many times.

* Whether it was from something particularly cool that you had done or for other reasons.

* They would also invite you to hang out with them whenever you were around because they knew that you would vanish suddenly with no certainly of when you would return.

* You always did though.

* Even if it was just to keep an eye on them. Secretly you enjoyed hanging out with them too.

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

Tags:

@hearts4robs @xxrougefangxx @mamapucket @hell-o-kittys @harleycao @batfamsstuff

⛤⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽⛧☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅⛤

[theendlessnessofbeingme]

Damian Wayne had been banned from the Gotham Zoo. It was because of five specific instances:

1. He tried to break the giraffe out of their sanctuary. He had convinced Steph and Duke to help him with this endeavor. They were unsuccessful and were stopped by Alfred

2. He wanted to pet the tigers and climbed into the enclosure. He soon learned that tigers are not just cats. Luckily Selina was with him and was able to distract the tigers long enough to get him out

3. He wanted to build a penguin army (he is no longer allowed to watch anything with the Penguins of Madagascar) he was able to sneak them near the gate before he was stopped by guards (the new guards were brought in after the tiger incident) Jason was helping him by causing a disturbance

4. He tried to free all the birds in the avian sanctuary. He was alone in this endeavor. He was stopped by Bruce and Selina. He had several birds perched on his person at the time.

5. He was nearly successful in taking an otter home with him. Apparently a girl he liked (Damian has however refused to admit to this reason) really loved otters and started she wanted to play with one in her pool. Damian was stopped by Steph who told him (as he was holding the otter in his hands) that chlorine was probably unsafe for the animal.

[angelltheninth]

I would like to request Harley Quinn, Selina Kyle and Diana prince and facesitting (them doing it to reader) if you write this it would literally make my wlw heart beat out of my chest 😫

Hopefully your heart is okay after this one Anon.

Pairing: Harley Quinn, Selina Kyle, Diana Prince x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, face sitting, cunnilingus, praise, dirty talk, clit stimulation, fingering, teasing, restraints

A/N: I rarely get to write for these characters so I hope I do them justice.

Harley teases you a lot when you tell her you want her to ride your face. When you stick your tongue out she pulls back, your frustration building, tasting her but barely. Even if you were to pull her on top of you and make her hold still she'd find a way to wiggle, to deny you a while longer. She does want this just as much as you but she likes it when you put in the extra effort too, it makes her feel special when you moan against her pussy, almost as if addicted to her taste and the way moves on top of you.

"That's not all ya got sugar, I know ya can do better than that. I'm this close to ya and ya won't chase me? I'm very disappointed. And after all that work I put in to get you off minutes before. Hm, that's better, there we go, pull me down on top of you, give me that tongue. Yes, right there, ya know just how to work a girl up."

Selina rides your face with a lot of enthusiasm. She's got hips that never give out, she could ride you all night if you're willing to spend the next day with your jaw aching. Background music is always a must with her, she moves her hips to it, hands down her body, her thighs, grabbing your hands, intertwining your fingers with hers to have something to hold on to. Yes her claws can leave marks but that's a small price to pay when you get to suck her clit until she comes all over your face.

"Give me your hands darling, I want to hold you while I ride you. I can feel your smile, is it such a surprise that I'm a romantic? I can be very good you know. With the right incentive. I can also return the favor if you do a good enough job. Why not make it a contest? See how many licks it gets me to make you squirt. Good girl, I love a challenge."

Diana has to be very careful when she sits on your face because she can literally crush you with her thighs. You often tell her that it'd be nice to die that way but she doesn't think it's that funny. Because you always insist on pulling her down she's taken a habit of restraining you with her lasso. It also makes you a lot more honest, so she doesn't have to worry about you trying to overexert yourself. She's also the kind that will turn away from you and ride you while fingering you, she finds it much more enjoyable when she can feel you too.

"We talked about this before love, I can't fully sit down. Now, now, you don't have anything to complain about. Will another finger shut you up? Do you want to feel full? Love you when you're honest with me. Don't you slack off either, I want to feel your mouth on me, go as fast as you want, you know I can handle it."

[mayamarvil]

new and updated batfamily time line by me!

Alternative Image Testing

[confused-wanderer]

Incorrect batfam quotes as things I’ve heard as a college student that definitely fit them:

—

Dick: Stop copying me!

Jason: StOp CoPyInG mE!

Dick: Oh my god you’re so annoying

Jason: oh my god you’re so annoying

Dick: I love you

Jason:

Dick: Say it bro

Jason: *booking it to the door*

Dick : SAY IT BACK MOTHERFUCK-

—

Barbara: .. wait I’m lost now

Stephanie: Girl I’ve been lost a long time ago

—

*while the batboys are doing laundry*

Dick: .. hey Jason?

Jason: yeah?

Dick: I put money and my clothes in the washing machine but it won’t start. Could you try?

Jason *stares at it and gently pries the door open before slamming it shut with such force that it swings open again*

Dick: DONT BREAK IT I PAID FOR THIS MAN

Jason: Hold on lemme try some- *swings harder*

Tim: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IDIOT ??

Washer *beeps and starts washing*

—

Duke: ah.. such a peaceful day and gorgeous vie-

*hears screaming in the distance*

Duke: Aaand we’re walking-

—

Tim: I’m sorry but could you tell me how to spell your name? I’m trying to save your contact.

Damian: It doesn’t matter.

Tim: Of course it does! I just want to make sure I spell it right.

Damian: No, seriously. It doesn’t matter how you spell it. That’s not even my real name.

—

Jason and Damian having breakfast in silence at a restaurant

Damian: so I have a knife in my room.

—

Bruce: And there’s this girl in the bathroom who’s been crying there for hours! And I don’t even know who it is, I can just see her shoes

Selina : Wait let’s check it out

Bruce: .. isn’t that an invasion of her privacy?

Selina: you’re no fun… I wonder what’s going on

Bruce: well she was talking to her friend about *insert very oddly specific rant about every microscopic detail*

Selina:

Bruce: ? What?

Selina: ..and youre trashing me for tryna find out who it is.

Bruce: Hey I was debating if I should call out and ask her if she was okay

Selina: Mhmm. Nosy. Imma go check-

Bruce: I have to fill my bottle anyways so I guess I’ll join..

— later —

Harley: and then what happened?

Selina: This mf was waiting for me outside while I found out and then I shooed him away to fill his bottle. And then we both watched as he placed it under the tap only for it to immediately start overflowing

Harley *howling with laughter*

Bruce: IT WAS HALF- EMPTY

Selina: It was FULL

Bruce: ..you’re exaggerating

Selina: Girl be for real you’re just as nosy as I am, that’s why we get along so well~

———————————————————————-

[aurora-borealis00]

Stupid head canon I came up with

When a member of the Wayne family gets married, they first get married at the Gotham court house. So that no matter how publicized their wedding is they still have a moment of just them.

[bruciemilf]

The Justice League being mildly disturbed, bewildered, and eerily...Impressed by Bruce's relationship with his rogues.

They've seen him and Harley get in a fist fight over the last Bat Burger fry.

With Harley trying to fix her now ruined pigtails and munching on her garlic glazed treat while Batman sipped the milkshake, completely ignoring the gush of blood dripping down his chin.

"... Do you want the Bat-Toy?"

"...Yeah."

Bruce can go from fighting Ivy one second, to helping her beat Hal's ass for littering in the middle of a battle.

He talks about Penguin like he's a problematic relative you have an annoying affection for. He pretends to be scared of Scarecrow's Fear Toxin to make him feel better about it not working on him.

He and Selina call eachother ' babe' and gossip while trying to put the other in the hospital.And don't get him started on Mr. Freeze. He WILL cry.

It's a very unusual relationship. They know for a fact none of them have lunches with THEIR villains.

" But I don't get it? I mean, Bats won't kill YOU, but...YOU can kill HIM."

" For what? So the police can kill us easier? Nice try."

Clark, panicked, calls the batkids when Bruce gets kidnapped. They don't know by WHO, which is the only reason they even bothered showing up. When they find out its HARVEY?

They all groan. Long and whiny. " Come on!"

" You made me abandon my Buzzfeed Unsolved marathon for this?"

Dick, peach face mask still drying, sighs, " I'm sorry, - this? Is probably the best thing that happened all week. Maybe month! Why would we be worried? He'll get 4 meals a day, 8 hours of sleep, -"

" Or two..."

" SHUT UP, STEPH! But anyway, Bruce is probably in his huge, black feathered night gown, getting his feet rubbed with extra expensive olive oil while eating blueberry yoghurt."

" With chocolate sprinkles!"

" Yes, Thank You, Tim. Clark, in the future, be worried if he DOESN’T get kidnapped. He'll be back in like, two weeks. Three, if he's feeling clingy. "

" But I don't understand? Bruce hangs out with...Criminals?"

" I'm sorry, " Dick gestures to the whole flock of them, " Where do you think we came from?"

[appleswan]

Dick and Tim are BatCat truthers, and Damian and Jason are Brutalia kids, this we know. But I propose something else, something more. BatCat dates are warzones behind the scenes. The whole Batfamily gets involved, one time Jean Peal dressed as a Maitre D to make sure that the date went smoothly.

Half of the family is trying to make sure that the date goes well and the other half are trying to ruin it. Bruce and Selina are none the wiser.

Steph gets her drones to try to spill something on Selina's dress and Cass is there to tackle it out of the sky. Dick is organizing team BatCat while Damian leads team Brutalia. And by the end of the day they're all exhausted, laying in the family room and looking as if they all just got from some big battle.

There is a small subportion of the Batfamily who are neither Team BatCat or Team Brutalia. Duke and Tim watch each other through thinly veiled glares whenever Clark comes around because they know of the fanfic that the other wrote. It's mutually assured destruction if one of them snitches on the other.

[xthehuntressx]

Selina: Y/n I’m calling you to bail me out of jail, DO NOT tell Bruce!

Y/n: what’s in it for me?

Selina: I’ll give you Bruce’s credit card

Y/n: I’m on my way!!

[incorrectbatfam]

The batfam's time machine breaks down in the past

Lucky for them, there's an ancient Sumerian copper merchant happy to sell them the parts

[vodrae]

[zipteeth]

danonation ur welcome