#sons of incorrect quotes

[ill-heart]

Tig: Being a creep isn't a choice.

Chibs: Really ?

Tig: It's a game and I'm winning.

[unidentifiedgothamite]

duke: who do you guys think is bruce's favorite child?

jason: it's probably fingerstripes

dick: me?! it's obviously you, jay

tim: it's jason

steph: facts. b lets him get away with everything, including murder

cass: jason

damian: as much as i loathe to admit it, father does treat todd differently

jason: ya'll are trippin'

meanwhile...

clark: b, just curious, but, do you have a favorite child?

bruce: hn, what date is it?

clark: um, may 12th?

bruce: then it's batcow

clark: what

bruce: did i stutter?

[incorrectbatfam]

Has Bruce ever packed the kids lunch when Alfred wasn't there? How'd it go?

[Wayne Enterprises]

Tim: Finally, time for my break.

Tim: *opens his mini fridge*

*dozens of apples fall out*

———————

[the library]

Steph: *chugs a gallon of milk*

Cass: *bites into a bread loaf*

Barbara: I'm not even gonna ask.

———————

[day patrol]

Duke: *opens his lunchbox*

Duke: *sighs*

Duke: *pulls out his bat-skillet*

Duke: *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg—*

———————

[West-Reeve Middle School]

Damian: Kent, I will trade you your cupcake for this head of lettuce.

Jon: ...

Jon: Deal.

———————

[Bludhaven]

Jason: Bruce packed our lunches. He said we're supposed to share.

Jason: *hands him a bag*

Dick: What'd you get?

Jason: A frozen turkey. You?

Dick: *opens it*

*fire alarm goes off*

[fanaticalthings]

I want an AU where after Jason gets brought back to life, he channels his inner rage and turmoil into the academics instead of murder

Talia has like infinite money and a crap ton of influence, so she can absolutely get Jason the best tutors and can easily get him into the most prestigious schools if Jason wanted to (she doesn't need to do that though because Jason's just smart enough to get into them on his own)

The major he chooses? Med.

Why? Because Bruce dropped out of med school.

Jason practically flies through all the secondary education that he needs to catch up on and is already en route to earning his bachelor's AND his master's.

And it'd be so incredibly funny if the way Bruce and Jason reunite in this AU was purely by coincidence.

Bruce (as Brucie Wayne) offers to show up as a guest lecturer at Hudson University (the school Dick attended but dropped out of so double points for Jason), maybe to talk about future career paths and job positions at WE idk

So as Bruce is just wandering around the campus, he randomly bumps into a student and immediately puts on the Brucie act and is all "Oh my, I'm SO sorry, I'm just a klutz haha" only to stop dead silent when he makes eye contact with a very alive, very grown Jason Todd, who also stops dead in his tracks, mouth agape, staring at Bruce like the world's about to end

And before Bruce can get his thoughts straight, Jason just bolts out of there like his life depends on it, and Bruce is just in shambles for the rest of the day.

It doesn't help that the person giving Bruce the tour is all like "Oh yeah, that's Jason, he's one of the heads on our student council haha, anyways, this way, Mr. Wayne." and Bruce is just stood there bluescreening.

----

Alternatively, it'd be kinda funny if this all happened AFTER the events of UTRH where after the final encounter with Bruce and Joker and the whole explosion, Jason's just like "yk what, maybe I'm just gonna turn over a new leaf and pursue a higher education"

So while Gotham's still reeling from the aftermath of Jason's near takeover as the top crime lord and Bruce is still painstakingly trying to figure out where his son went, the whole time Jason's just been chilling on a school campus and Bruce just so happens to bump into his son (who, last time they met, tried to kill Bruce and blew up the building they were all in) and Jason's just all normal-looking with his textbooks and nerdy glasses and Bruce doesn't know whether to scream or cry.

[lilislegacy]

annabeth: guess what your son did today at school?

percy: my son? uh oh, that never means anything good

annabeth: your son poured a blue colored chemical in all the beakers in his honors chemistry class today, just because it was blue. and since he didn’t know what it was, it ended up causing a toxic gas to build up and the entire school had to evacuate. he has now been moved to regular chemistry, because he is not trusted to handle chemicals and labs anymore

percy:

annabeth:

percy:

annabeth:

percy: ok well your son is the one who willingly took honors chemistry in the first place

[pottermagiczz]

Sirius trying to teach lil Harry his name

Sirius: Harry, say Padfoot

Harry:

Sirius: C'mon lil guy, Pad-foot

Harry: Moo-ee

Sirius: No Harry, Pad-foot

Harry: MOO-EE

Sirius: You're one lil sh*t, aren't you?

Harry: Sh*t!

Sirius: F*CK! DON'T SAY THAT!

Remus, entering the room: Hey Harry, having fun?

Harry: F*ck! Sh*t!

Remus: ...

Remus, CaLmLy: WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT!?

Harry: Pad-foooo

[wynnd-citrus]

nearly forgot to post this onto my tumblr today (im so used to just posting to IG and then being done but i must now take care of my tumblr page too hehe)

[ap-kinda-lit]

Goku: You wanna go to McDonald’s, son? I’ll get you a happy meal.

Gohan: Dad, I’m 25.

Goku: So you don’t want apple slices and nuggets with a toy?

Gohan: …That would be nice, actually.

[irondadspiderson4evr]

Peter: TONY TONY TONY TONY

Tony: No, you cannot borrow my iron man suit for high school hero day.

Peter: NO THAT ISN’T IT!

Tony, turning around: What is it t- is that a knife?

Peter, gesturing at the knife in his side: YEAH! I got stabbed!

Tony, panicking: WELL WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU AT THE HOSPITAL-

Peter: Because! I wanted to show you! It’s my first stabbing!

Tony: YOU SHOULD NOT BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS!

[ehliena]

Tim: My stomach's been feeling off lately.

Dick: Maybe you're pregnant.

Bruce: Don't be ridiculous. Clark has never impregnated a male, there's no chance Conner could.

Tim: Clark didn't have TTK either, but look at Kon.

Dick: *chokes*

Bruce: ...HN.

[ironspidersblog]

Tony at the start of spider-man homecoming: spider-man? Peter Parker? He’s cool, he helped us in the airport fight

Tony by the end of homecoming: if anyone even BREATHES AGGRESSIVELY AT MY SON I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN

[thewrittenpodcast]

Peter: can we get a puppy

Tony: no

Peter: why

Tony: we have Harley

Peter: but Harley isn't a puppy

Harley, spinning in circles trying to lick his elbow:

Peter:

Peter: never mind I see your point

[marionluth]

Tony: Have you ever considered TRYING to be careful when you're spider-Manning?

Peter: Life's too short for careful.

Tony: Life's even shorter without careful, kid! Drunk Spider-Manning? Really?

Peter: You once entertained party guests by doning your armor and shooting glasses they threw in the air.

Tony:

Peter:

Tony: This is one of those do as I say not as I do moments.

Peter:

Tony:

Peter: I regret nothing.

Tony: I'm telling Pepper.

Peter: I'm going to my room to think about my actions and thoroughly repent.

Tony: There's some good use of your Spidey-sense.

[incorrectbatfam]

[chaperoning a field trip]

Dick: Hurry up! Who knows when those kids will start arriving.

Clark: They get here at seven-thirty.

Dick: Every day? That's wild.

[fanaticalthings]

Jason:

Also Jason:

when you're worried about your dad but you also have a reputation

Masterlist

[lilislegacy]

leo: you know it’s funny when i see all my friends fight monsters. because as the most powerful demigods alive, everyone gets the job done. but everyone does it so differently

chiron: how so?

leo: well jason is like a robot, or some fighting machine, because with all his training he’s so programmed and concise. frank is basically the bipolar animal version of the hulk. piper is weirdly calm and seductive with her “you think what i tell you to think” voice. annabeth is methodical and sneaky and alarmingly brutal. nico is just creepy as hell. and hazel’s like a freaky witch with all her voodoo magic shit

chiron: all great descriptions. and percy?

leo: oh percy’s just a crazy son of a bitch

chiron, chuckling: and you’re not?

leo: hey i may be ADHD off the walls, and i do make some crazy plans, but that dude should be deemed legally insane. i once saw him jump onto the back of a giant sea monster, stab it with a narwhal’s tusk, and then ride a great white shark around as he lassoed monsters with kelp ropes. and the entire time, he was singing a cage the elephant song

chiron, nodding thoughtfully: “ain’t no rest for the wicked?”

leo: no actually it was “around my head.” guy’s got great taste